They Laid Us Off and Took the Cheese: A "Who Moved My Cheese" Story
If you’ve ever been told that losing your health insurance is a "pathway to new horizons," you’re already part of the cult. In this episode: Reggie loses his lunch, Bill Won Parcent explains why inheritance is "hard work," and we finally find out who’s been whipping your cheese.
Today's Sermon. Episode 1: They Laid Us Off and Took the Cheese.
If you’ve ever sat through a HR-mandated cartoon where a talking mouse tells you that losing your health insurance is actually a "pathway to new horizons," then you’ve already been initiated into our cult of misery. I'm looking at you "Who Moved My Cheese?"
We begin our infernal spectacle with Ester and Reggie—Humans, I use the word loosely, who have dedicated hours upon hours of their lives to ungrateful companies that bestow them with the rewards of lousy hospital bills and a missing block of cheddar. [00:00:34] In this world, you don't get "fired." You get "launched." It sounds much more celestial, doesn't it? Like being shot into the sun.
"And immigrants are out there getting all my hard earned cash and getting benefits! While I get NUTHEN!" — Reggie [00:01:00]
Poor Reggie. He’s looking for someone to blame, and he’s been watching just enough Fox "News" to think that the immigrants are the ones sneaking into his wallet.
Reality, The Proverbial Bubble
Unfortunately, Ester is there to ruin his perfectly good tantrum with some cold, hard facts. While Reggie spirals into the "they took our cash" rhetoric, Ester clarifies that the people he’s blaming actually pay billions in taxes and do the "dirty work" most people won't touch for half the pay [00:01:51].
It’s a classic case of the peasant fighting another peasant while the King decides who he is going to start a war with next. Democracy? Sorry, I wouldn't know much about that. Reggie was broke when he had the job, and he's broke now that he's been "launched" [00:02:13].
The Only Honest Reaction
When Ester finally asks the million-dollar question—"Who has been trickling down on us? What kind of society is this anyway?"
Reggie gives the only response that makes sense when one is living in a country as rich as the one they now occupy.
He Throws up. That lovely sound of Reggie losing his lunch [00:02:36] isn't just physical comedy; it's the visceral rejection of a system that promises "trickle-down" but only delivers a shit storm of raw sewage.
Intermission: A Cheery Anthem for the Apocalypse
Before we get back to the suffering, let’s pause for our theme song [02:52] It’s a modest and calm little ditty about the end of the world. Because if you’re going to watch the "morning star" fall [04:19], you might as well have a catchy melody to hum while you do it. Right kids?
A Message from Our (Totally Safe) Sponsors
Before we check in on the children, a quick word from the folks who keep the surface of our skin looking great and then later you get a hidden surprise! Just like a box of cereal from your times past! It gives me lumpy wet dreams...Oh, my. Please forgive my brashness! I seem to get... rather excited about skin care, don't I?
Have you tried Gene Splice Body Wash?[05:10]
It’s the only soap on the market that hasn't been proven to cause adverse health effects. And as we all know in this dimension, "not proven to be deadly" is exactly the same as "perfectly healthy."
"It’s normal. Brought to you by 'Don’t Think About It.' Because if you do, you might be the problem."[05:37]
Remember, your curiosity is the only thing standing between you and a fragrant, chemically-induced glow. So shut your mouth, open your wallet, and don’t think about it.
Bimmothy’s House: Homes Are What The Americans Dream About.
We find ourselves in the charming abode of Bimmothy [04:51] where the children are enjoying the modern childhood experience: waiting for parents who are "always working".
Bimmothy’s father has a radical, dangerous idea. He thinks that if he made just half of what his CEO makes, the family could actually go on a vacation and spend time together. I Personally don't think he would need even half. But I'm just a horny guy... sigh....
"That sounds like the devil's work. Let's go find out why." — Mr. M [06:36]
The Devils work indeed. Let us go and see the real tools of evil at work.
The Magic Circle of Distraction
To keep the children from thinking too hard about their father’s "sinful" desire for a vacation, I have them practice drawing magic circles [06:46]. It’s a vital life skill—much like believing in the promise that you will one day become part of the blessed one percent if you work hard enough. Wait... Humans still believe that?
Advice from the "Extravagantly Successful"
And now, the moment no one at all has been waiting for. The man, the myth, the nepo baby: Bill Won Parcent [07:11].
Bill is the CEO of "Don't Think About It," and he’s here to explain why he’s a genius and you’re just a "peasant"—excuse me, a "person"[09:52].
Bill wants you to know that his success has nothing to do with his $2 million "trivial" inheritance or his father's illustrious legacy[08:56]. No, it’s all about undeniable brilliance[09:17]. Just ask the people he pays to agree with him!
"How could I have all this money if I wasn't smart? Aha! I couldn't now, could I?"[09:34]
Free Speech for the "Wealthy"
Bill also sheds a tear for the monumental effort required to "nudge" public opinion by channeling "generous donations" into Congress[10:04]. It was a hard-fought battle to ensure corporations could exercise their free speech just like any other "apple pie eating, binge drinking to escape reality American"[10:24].
The "Launch" into Poverty
Then comes the moment of true compassion. Bill goes down the list: Phil, Hank, Reggie, Tim, and even Linda—they’re all going[10:40]. But don’t you dare call it a layoff. That’s so... peasant-like.
"Remember, it’s not a layoff. We call it a launch. A launch into new possibilities."[11:44]
A Prescription for Prosperity (and Probably Heart Failure)
Just when you thought the corporate air was getting too thin, Bill introduces a "health professional" to steady our nerves: Dr. Living Good[13:11].
Bill assures us he’s a "real doctor," which in this dimension usually means he has a briefcase and a dirty scalpel. Dr. Living Good is a recurring nightmare on our show, and like a fine moldy cheese, he’s only getting more flavorful with time. I believe he is from one of my neighboring circles perhaps?
"The best way to keep the hands and the heart healthy is by taking the heart and beating it with the hands... Observe." [13:21]
It’s the kind of medical advice that makes you long for the days of leeches and blood letting. But Bill is sold. He wraps up his sermon by encouraging us all to do our part: market some trash stock until the peasants think it's "the second coming of sliced bread," then cash out and watch the ship sink like the Titanic’s encore performance[14:03].
Socializing the Suffering (And a Well-Known Secret)
After lecturing us on "brilliance," Bill finally drops the charade. He reminds us that we have to support each other—which, in his dialect, means you bailing him out whenever his defective planes take a nose dive or his oil pipes burst [15:19] It’s the "Socialism for me, Capitalism for thee" special.
And then, he lets us in on the secret we already knew: he doesn’t give a crap about democracy or freedom[15:53].
"We care all right about money, profit, money, money, money. And the fact is, we need more money to feed the thing nestled inside my brain."[16:00]
The Architect of the Abyss
This is where the mask literally slips. Bill reveals that he is merely a vessel for a parasitic space worm[16:38]. This isn't just a sci-fi twist; it’s the ultimate metaphor for the "infinite growth" model.
The worm doesn't care if you ingest poison or consume plastic[17:16]. It will drain the well dry and leave a barren wasteland in its wake, all while you "own nothing and love it"[17:30].
A Moment of Tactical Silence (And Soap)
Before we hit the game show, we take a detour into the scent of masculinity. We pay our respects to a friend of the show Although he will never know it. (He passed during our first production) King Cobra JFS[18:24] and discuss the life-changing magic of Tactical Soap.
Apparently, if you smell like a "sexy goth bad boy," you’ll get approached by women every time you're out in public[19:19]. It’s the only way to mask the stench of the impending apocalypse and get repel sickos.
Who Is That Donor? (A Game Where Everyone Loses)
Step right up to the neon-lit altar of our democracy: Who Is That Donor?[19:30] It’s the game where we figure out which billionaire is currently wearing your elected officials like a hand puppet.
Our lucky contestant, Reggie[20:52], is understandably confused about why the people he gives money to keep doing the exact opposite of what he asked. Don't worry, Reggie—that’s just the "free market" at work!
Betting Your Eternal Soul
The stakes are refreshingly high. Reggie manages to identify a few patrons of the political elite, but then comes the Bonus Round[23:44]. The prize? Double the money. The collateral? Reggie’s eternal soul[23:49].
Reggie’s response is a heartbreaking testament to the modern workforce:
"Well, I don't really do anything with it anyway but work. So, let's do it."[24:02]
Musical Interlude: "Free Land"
To celebrate Reggie keeping his soul (for now), we have a music video! It’s an upbeat track about locking everybody away, and charging a fee for your wretched refuse"[26:44].
It’s the perfect song for anyone who enjoys "dodging bullets at school and loves to send "thoughts and prayers instead of doing anything useful! I love it!!!! Thoughts and prayers my friends... I've heard they stop bullets. I've heard thats how Superman does it! I've heard a lot of... things.
The Reveal: Whipped Cheese
And now, the answer to the question rotting in Reggie’s mind: Who took the cheese? In a moment of sadistic triumph, we meet the culprit[30:17] He isn't just holding the stolen dairy; he’s whipping it[30:42] into submission.
"That's right, I'm the one who took your cheese... I'm the big cheese now."[30:42]
It is the perfect visual for a system that doesn't just steal your labor—it beats the dignity out of it for sadistic enjoyment. And the ultra wealthy have no real problems and are bored out of their minds. What else are they going to do with all that time?
Coming Soon: The Discount of Monte Cristo
If you thought this betrayal was bad, wait for our next production[31:10] It’s a classic story of trust, "career advancement’," and being thrown in jail despite being a "legal citizen"[32:08]. Oh Dear.
The Great Ant War
The final act of our tragedy brings us back to Reggie and Ester. Reggie is obsessed with funding air strikes on ants[32:53]in the neighbors' yard. It’s a biting metaphor for foreign aid—funding strikes against "insurgent" ants while ignoring the school and healthcare needs in your own neighborhood. Sounds familiar...
"Reggie, we don't even have ants!" — Ester[33:55]"No, hun. But our neighbors do, and we have to help pay to get rid of them once and for all." — Reggie
It’s easier to focus on the "evil people... um, ants" [34:55]than to realize the mayor and his lobbyist friends are the ones actually moving your cheese.
Goodbye (For Now)
And so, we reach the end [37:20]. Let's stop thinking about all these bothersome things for now and let our minds wander into the serenity that only images of babies could take us to. Go to heaven for the weather, but come back to Hell for the friends
[38:26]. We’ll see you next time. Or this afternoon. Whenever you want to visit really. We keep the fire burning.
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Stay sorrowful, — M.
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